I can haz crowbar

To the idiots that break into cars…

According to Ebay, the stereo you attempted to steal from my car in good, used condition goes for under $20. In stolen and broken condition I imagine it would be worth less than $1. I’d like to recommend that you at least attempt to make stealing a car stereo worthwhile. I really hate feeling like I got taken advantage of for nothing. Makes me feel cheap. Here’s an idea, why don’t you set yourself a minimum profit margin you’d like to make on each stereo? Maybe target only stereo’s that are worth more than a few hours work paid at minimum wage?

No?

Ok, look at it this way: How long did you spend trying to crowbar my stereo out of my car’s dashboard? Looking at the amount of damage, we’ll say ten minutes. For all that work you probably got $1.50 to $2.00 worth of change out of my ash tray. You didn’t even manage to get the stereo you came for! You might want to consider a different line of work...

10 min = $2.00 Not too bad, at this rate you’re making $12.00/hour. Still a pretty terrible wage considering all your job hazards. And I’m sure crowbar insurance isn’t cheap.

Now, how long did you spend running from the police? How about hiding before you were able to “work” again? You don’t seem very intelligent, maybe one to two hours before attempting to steal again?

120 min = $2.00 Oh. Well. Now not so good, you’re down to $1.00/hour. To put that in perspective: Minimum wage = $8.07/hour. Peeing while on the clock = ~8 minutes, you just made $1.07 taking a wiz! And, as an added bonus, the police don’t have your finger prints and are not actively looking for you!

Bottom line - your deficiency in economics is going to cost me $500 out of my pocket and might raise my insurance rates. All because you wanted a $20.00 car stereo. WTF. I would have given you $100 and then called the cops if you would have agreed not to unleash the wrath of the crowbar on my car. That’s 500% more than you came for and a fair sporting chance at getting away from the police!

Ok, now that we’ve covered economics, let’s touch on technique. Well, more correctly lack of technique. It looks to me like you only brought one tool with you, a crowbar. To be successful you’re going to need a few more tools. Don’t worry, you can probably steal them from your girlfriend. As I see it, a bare bones car audio theft kit should include: 1 clothes hanger, 1 flat head screwdriver and 1Philips screwdriver. Now, never actually having stolen a car stereo I’m only guessing, but, it seems to me that a good car stereo thief would get into and out quickly without damaging the item he’s trying to steal.

Let’s walk through your approach.
Use crowbar on door, try to pry door open. Door won’t open, pry harder. Swear, pry some more. Take off gloves, try to pry window away from door frame, fail. Get crowbar, pry window back, insert fingers (leave finger prints), swear. Pick up crowbar, pry window back, wedge crowbar into window gap, grab window and pull. Unlock door (just breaking the damn window with your crowbar would have been easier for both of us). Put gloves on passenger seat, get crowbar. Rummage around vehicle. Use crowbar to ax away the portion of the dash above radio. Loop crowbar through cup holder pull on crowbar like you’re starting a lawn mower. Attempt to remove radio from dash with crowbar. Wedge crowbar between faceplate and radio. Rarrrr! Crowbar pwn’s radio! - Break faceplate off radio. Use bare hands to rip remaining dash parts away from top of radio. Attempt to remove radio with crowbar like you’re digging for clams. Damage remaining portion of radio. Crowbar gear selector away from dash. Remove ash tray with crowbar, send change flying all over car. Have A.D.D. moment, pick up as much change as you can. Remember that you came for the radio, pick up crowbar. Remove offending section of the dash below radio with crowbar, turn on windshield wipers. Jamb crowbar between side of radio and dash, pry. Swear. Pry harder. Swear more. Try prying radio out from the bottom. Swear, kick dash, kick crowbar. Hear your buddy make a birdcall, grab crow bar, run. Buddy makes fun of you for not being able to steal a car stereo.

Now let’s run down the scenario using the tool kit we talked about earlier.
Slide coat hanger between door and window, unlock door. Pry up edge of center consol trim with screwdriver, gently tug trim piece free from center consol. Use screwdriver to remove screws holding radio to dash. Gently pull stereo free from dash, unclip wiring harness, quietly walk away from vehicle. Buddy is impressed how quickly you stole stereo that is still functional.

Next time you’re in the area, stop by. Just go ahead and start crowbar-ing things, that way I’ll know you’ve dropped by. And if you can convince me that I shouldn’t hit you in the head or groin with my demo-bar (it’s a huge crowbar, you’ll be jealous when you see it), we can do a comparison of techniques and see who gets the stereo out first. Winner gets to keep the losers crowbar and gets a free 5 minute crowbar rampage. I hope for your sake you can run faster than me and my crowbarz.